Not a Partner

Husband & Wife

Recently, I watched a podcast in which one of the women repeatedly referred to herself as the host’s partner. Not his wife, even though she’s married to him and has been for decades. Her obvious rejection of her role and status as a wife really struck me and inspired a re-examination of my own use of the word partner through these paradigm shifting years.

It’s important to note that this trend has become common in progressive circles, even among heterosexual married couples. Feminists don’t want to use the word wife, because they don’t want to be seen as subservient in any way to their husband. And men don’t want to be a husband, taking full responsibility for being his wife’s and children’s sole provider and protector. They want to be viewed by the public (and each other) as equal partners.

I remember, growing up in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s, the first time I heard the term partner, was in relation to gay men. During the AIDS epidemic, the news would refer to gay men’s multiple sexual partners. Later, when gays and lesbians normalized having longterm committed relationships, they started using the word partner to introduce each other and describe themselves.

Obviously, this was well before gay marriage became legal and homosexuals started to use the terms, husband and wife, instead of partner. But redefining marriage wasn’t enough for them. They wanted to lay claim to the male and female roles associated with what has always been a sacred commitment between a man and a woman.

Over the years, partner became a commonly used term, not only because of the gays and the feminists, but because people were no longer getting married. If you were in a long-term committed relationship and living together, but you weren’t engaged to be married, girlfriend or boyfriend just didn't seem sufficient enough to describe the significance of who you were to each other. Having a girlfriend or boyfriend was still accurate for dating. But husband and wife were reserved for the institution of marriage. “Spouse” was for filling out government forms and “significant other” went out of vogue. So, “partner” became the new overly used blanket term that represented just enough of the “in a relationship” status, without the ring and a date, or the figurative ball and chain.

Another contribution to the popularity of the word, partner, was denouncing gendered language as non-inclusive and therefore, “problematic”. They started trying to normalize this idea that children don’t need a father and a mother. Heather has two mommies, so a lesbian couple must be just as good, or better, than a traditional family with a husband and wife who are also father and mother to their children.

I’m definitely guilty of using the word partner…a lot. With clients who were together but not married. In my blogs about The 8 Elements. And even in my feng shui consultations.

The Southwest gua of Love & Marriage is also called Partnership & Marriage. And while this alternate title is accurate, as Mother Earth energy values partnership in their relationships and includes business partnerships, it’s also an attempt to be inclusive of non-traditional relationships or alternative lifestyles. But the truth is that the Mother Earth element is represented by the woman of the house, the wife, the mother, and the mother-in-law in residence. Those are roles women play in marital and familial relationships in which they have a husband, a home, children and extended family, by marriage.

After my husband loved me and left me at the age of 27 with two young children, I vowed never to remarry. I didn’t trust myself to be able to pick a good man next time. Not after being betrayed and abandoned, discarded and divorced. Once was enough for this lifetime.

Personally, I don’t resonate with the word partner. I’m a Water element, after all! I used to joke that after my children were grown, I would take a lover. Or, better yet, shack up and live “in sin” with my beloved. But if I don’t want to get legally married and I can’t legitimately use the word husband, how would I introduce him?

Since I had no intention of ever getting married again, I knew being a wife or having a husband was not in my future. After my divorce, I even wrote an essay on the etymology and historical use of the terms, husband and wife, trying to convince myself that those words didn’t actually have the special meaning we’ve assigned to them.

Although husband means “master of the household”, “head of the house”, “land owner” or “house holder”, it came to mean a married man. Husband comes from house+‎ bond, meaning a servant or slave who dwelled in the house or serf who was bonded to the land. So, whether feudal lord of the manor or indebted serf of the estate, they both were bondsman, tied to the land by inheritance or indentured servitude.

The original meaning of the word wife was simply woman. It was not connected with marriage, being a wife or having a husband. The Middle English wif, and Old English wīf, meant “woman, female or lady”. Wife was used in such compound words as midwife, goodwife, fishwife, spaewife and housewife, to describe the roles or work that women did.

We now live in a post-marriage society. Even if people value monogamy in committed relationships, the move away from religion and its threats of eternal damnation for sinfulness, has lifted the restrictions on sexual activity outside of marriage. They are entering into relationships, but not getting married.

So, to get away from the word partner, we may need to find new terms other than husband and wife, that denote the legal context of marriage. Mate is too primitive. And helpmate is too biblical. Soulmate is too spiritual. And lover is too explicit and impermanent.

My husband called me his sweetheart, “Sweetie” for short. My neighbor calls her live-in baby daddy, “mi amor”. I know couples who call each other, “babe”. But those are terms of endearment, not an identifying title you can use to talk about or introduce your life partner.

For the unmarried, I don’t know what the alternatives to partner would be. I’ve heard other couples just call each by their first name, avoiding marital titles like conservatives do the use of pronouns. But I’d much prefer to have whatever the equivalent is to a husband. Not a partner.

If you enjoyed this publication, please like, comment and share!

🫧

Pearls of Wisdom is a personal blog of the wisdom writings of Dara Eden that fall outside the realms of feng shui, The 8 Elements and her other personal energy work. Established in 2014, the blog is an expression of her highest values: Sovereignty, Truth, Wisdom & Inner Peace. It’s devoted to increasing awareness, expanding consciousness, bringing knowledge, sharing innerstandings and offering wisdom to the sovereign souls inhabiting the Earth.

Dara Eden is a writer and wisdom keepHER. The name, Dara, means “pearl of wisdom”. Pearls are formed when a microscopic irritant, like a grain of sand, embeds itself within the soft tissue of a shelled mollusk. To protect itself, the oyster or clam covers the invading gritty particle with concentric layers of iridescent crystalline calcium to form treasures, pearls of great beauty and worth. Gifts of the sea, pearls are the oldest known gem and the only gem that does not need to be cut, shaped or polished. Pearls are associated with elegance and luxury and are a symbol of mystery and purity. Pearls represent priceless knowledge, the rare wisdom that begins as a tiny, random, common irritant.